Testimony

I feel like I have always been on my own, I always had this feeling of being separate from others. Removed somewhat from other people. But since I was about 5 years old have always felt the presence of God.  I would lie in my bed at night as a child, and talk to Him about the stuff that matters to children at that age.
I have been a run away, I have been rebellious, gotten in various forms of trouble in my teen years, put my life at risk. I dropped out of high school and then beauty college.  All I ever wanted since I was a child was to be a wife and a mother. Instead I was pretty much held captive by a man who wanted nothing better than to destroy me if he couldn't possess me, the inner me, the true me. Eventually I stopped laughing, I stopped feeling, I stopped dreaming, I stopped hoping. Rarely did I even cry. I walked around with seething rage, just waiting to be released.   Slowly all the light that had always been there started to fade.  I had stopped talking to God, I was angry at Him. And in turn I was angry at myself. I was one big open wound , who would have given anything to die. I hated myself with everything I had. All I saw was darkness all around me.
Until one day, when I was at my lowest I had ever been, I felt something lay a hand upon my head, and whisper that I was loved, and all I had to do was take what was being offered, and I would be saved. Just turn my gaze back to the light and I was promised to be carried from that dark place I found myself in.
Well here I am... Alive, and a long way from that sad woman, that saw nothing to live for, laying on her bathroom floor with no more tears to cry because they had been all used up.
I have been, throughout my 42 years, beaten, assaulted, violated, betrayed, humiliated, stripped of everything I had, terrorized, my rights infringed upon, my heart broken, lied about,  taken advantage of, called horrible names, abandoned, ignored, under estimated, and forgotten. I have felt at times so incredibly lonely that I forgot what love even felt like. I have probably cried so many tears in this lifetime that I could fill a lake. I have tried various ways to blot out the pain. One of which was self harm. I use to cut my arms with a razor then pour alcohol on the open wounds just to shock my body out of the emotional pain I was in. For some people this is hard to fathom why someone would do something so drastic, and I would argue is it so much different than drinking, eating or having sex in excess? Isn't that also self harm to drown out emotional pain? I hated myself so much that there were times I couldn't bring myself to even look at myself in the mirror.
Yet thru Gods everlasting patience, and unconditional love I have been brought out from this prison of darkness to a place where I can see glimmers of hope, where I can see shards of light, where I can actually dream I might find some happiness. Only recently had I had an occasion where I felt this overwhelming feeling that I couldn't identify... Happiness. It took me a moment to even put a name to what I was feeling because happiness was something I wasn't used to.
  God never judged me, He never abandoned me, He was faithful, even when I wasn't faithful to Him. Im not saying I dont have trials of faith, or doubts because I do.  But if it wasn't for my belief in my Father in Heaven, I would have gladly taken my own life to escape the pain that was being inflicted on me. The faint scars on my arms a constant reminder of how far I have come.
I understand why people have a hard time believing  in something they haven't felt or seen. But as I stand here today, I stand as a physical presence for others. You may not be able to see God, but you can see and touch me, and in me lies the hand of God. He who breaths life back into the dead. Praise be!